Day By Day

February 13, 2015

I woke to the crushing reality that my son was already up. This is not good since it is way too early in the morning, but sometimes when his stomach hurts, he can’t sleep much. So he wakes up early. Too early for a 4 year old. Too early for his parents.

It will be a long day.

Waking up to the weight of the day is not easy. This stands in stark contrast to the mornings I wake filled with the light of morning and the joy of what lies ahead. But some days, like this day, I know that it will be a hard day. A day of watching a child move in pain and unable to clearly express his needs. A day of long (way too long) hours. A day where I know I will not eat a solid meal because my son will need me so much. A day where the quiet will snatch at my mind, creating a hole of worry that will threaten to grow big and explode by nightfall.

So as I heaved myself from bed, feeling heavy under the day, the Spirit began to sing to me. I know it may seem weird, but very often that is how God speaks to me. Through music, through lyric, through harkening me back to the songs I have stored somewhere in my soul. I know now when it is God speaking in those moments and when it is just me. Whenever a song or a lyric or a line comes to me without me having to even think, without me having to even ask, almost as though God anticipated my thoughts and answered them before I even knew to speak the question- that is when I know the Spirit is speaking to me. And that I should listen. 

And so today, as my feet touched the old carpet that we desperately need to replace but can’t afford to just yet, as my heart bent forward under the hard of the day to come, I heard this:

       Day by day, and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trails here;                Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment, I’ve no cause for worry or for fear;                        He who’s heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day as He deems best;                Lovingly it’s part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest. 

I paused to let the words sink in. To let them wash over me with equal parts of graciousness and fervor. To grapple with their truth. To hear their notes and allow them to float into the pain of the day just begun.

All day, I thought on those words and the verses that follow.

        The protection of his child and treasure is a charge upon Himself he laid…

         As thy days, your strength will be in measure…

        Help me then in every tribulation, so to trust your promises, Oh Lord…

But I kept coming back to that phrase: gives unto each day as He deems best.

I want to argue, and I do. “But, Lord! Today! Have you seen my Today? Have you seen my son’s Today? Because it’s beyond us, God. It’s beyond the capacity of this day! You give to this day what you deem best? How in the world can this be the best for today?”

When I am so overwhelmed, when I can’t see the light at the end of the path, when I feel like I can’t walk one more step, when the burden is too heavy, this is his word: I give to each day- to your day- what I deem best.

Standing at my kitchen sink with the hot afternoon sun making its way over to its bed behind the mountains, I give in. I give in to acceptance that even on these days, these days when I am barely able to move due to the heavy soul in me, God has deemed this day good. And good enough to give it to me, heaviness and all. And if God deems his best that today be another day this weary mama simply has to endure the endless minutes until bedtime, then there must be a good purpose in it. There must be a good reason for it. There must be a good God in it.

So even these endless days when I am panicked that we will not make it any farther in our son’s healing, when I am so incredibly tired of carrying this heavy load, when I am angry that this path seems to get harder as time goes by… even on the days that start at 5 am and seem to linger and dawdle and lengthen to an excruciating pace, even here, God is doing what God does. He is doing what he does best. He is still lending his strength even when I can’t find it.

And helping me to trust that even here his heart is kind.

***

If you would like to help our son see a GI specialist to treat the continual infections he is battling, please feel free to donate here: http://www.gofundme.com/ly8g1w

4 Responses to “Day By Day”

  1. madcitycat said

    Beautifully written, Karen. Praying that the rest of this week is filled with God’s strength and grace. And rest.

  2. Ann Maleski said

    Those words from that old hymn I learned in my childhood, reminded me that God does have our best interest at heart even when it seems impossible. Praying.

  3. Beautiful, Karen. Praying for you.

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